The Missing Piece – HOW I RAN AWAY.

 

Being someone who would subconsciously switch the vantage point when things don’t work out, I decided that she is to become my best friend, the underlying secret or plot being “I could at least be near you”. Armed with this decision, I marched back to the office, the same old me outside.

    Four guys and three girls became the so called gang, with us doing everything together. Even amidst this small gang, i never let go of a chance to steal a look at her. But all the while i would keep reminding me that she is not mine. She soon had to move out of the company accommodation, I searched high and low for a hostel. We even considered getting the girls an apartment but that failed. Finally she got into an hostel quiet near to my home. The days went by blissfully and i was able to suppress my feeling quite well until the gang slowly started disintegrating. I am unable to remember the exact reason or reasons which led to this but slowly this gang became smaller gangs with only two of the girls and two of us guys remaining in it. Being the person who stays close to her hostel, it became my ‘duty’ to ensure her safe return to the hostel. That was the most painful moment of the day for me. Knowing that I would not be able to see her for like the next ten hours. Wanting to support her no matter what, i gave her one of my cell phone. Something with which she could talk to ‘him’ and she could use to let me know if there is any emergency.

    One day in the office, during the break she asked me to come out with her, she wanted me to meet someone. I knew what to expect. We along with a couple of other friends went out and for the first time she introduced me (face to face) to him. For the first time in my life, i wanted to be someone else… I wanted to be him. I didn’t know anything about him, what he could do, what did he do and what he was!! I just wanted to be him. This though propelled him to the highest position of respect which i had. I don’t know how i say through that whole lunch, i was lost both outside and inside. I frankly do not remember anything which was said there as all i wanted then was to be him. What else could i possibly want? The day passed…

    Soon talking to him became routine affair though it was on phone. I wanted to know what was it that she saw in him and i wanted that. I even asked her multiple times but even she dint know. This quest brought me even closer to her and somehow brought her closer to me. I never realized how close we where until one day when i was out to drop her at the hostel at around 11 in the night. We were standing in an alley near her hostel when she got a call from her dad. The change in her face told me that it was bad news. I prayed it was not any actual bad news, but before i could complete the prayer, she burst into tears. Putting onto paper the flooding in my mind would be next to impossible. I was overwhelmed by anger, hatred, sadness, empathy and flurry of other emotions. I was shivering, i knew i had to keep myself in control. The moment she kept the phone, i asked the usual question “is everything ok?”. I could not look at her face, i knew i could not see that bright eye filled with tears. My hand rose multiple times to hug her but i knew that i should not do that. But then it happened. She slowly leaned onto my shoulder, rested her head on my arm and cried.

    Everything around me faded, the night became pitch dark but a strange glow was illuminating us. I wanted time to freeze. My body froze, my throat dried, I was afraid, afraid to even move a muscle, afraid to even blink for what if that destroyed this frame? I wanted to pat her back but i couldn’t. The wind blew her hair onto my face, my sleeve was wet from her tears, i still have no idea how much time had passed. But just like waking from a dream, the realization hit me again, “She was not mine…”. All i could do was to move back, look at her and give her my biggest smile. I don’t know what was it that i said, it was my mind talking as i was lost admiring how beautiful she looked basked in the soft hazy light of the street lamps. Within no time, she was smiling, she just made my day. Walked her to the hostel and I started the long walk back to my home. Being an ADDer I always daydream when i walk, but that day my dreams were not moving, it stood still. It was the frozen at the moment she rested her head on my shoulders. That was when i realized how close we had become.

    As with any awkward moment, the next day was all about pretending nothing had happened. But then i believe she forgot about it. Some days later was her graduation ceremony at her college. Obviously i attended the function. That day became important for me as that’s the day i met her parents and sisters. That day He was awarded the best student in the batch. When i saw that , i actually fell happy.. she had the best and that is why he had her which directly correlates to the fact that she is not mine. Yet again the present never ceases to stand different from the future.

    Rather than distance us, that ceremony in some weird way brought us closer. Another reason for this would be the fact that the gang had further dissolved with only two of us remaining in it. Now, the training session only consisted of me teaching her the miracles of computers and in most cases, taking her tests for her. Soon this moved one huge step forwarded, we used to hold hands while in the class. These times were so powerfully registered in my head as though this was something so out of the league, we both somehow looked at it very trivially. But then one day she confessed something to me, holding my hand in both her hands she said “Even in college, i was ashamed to hold his hands in public or in class, but in your case I am so comfortable…”.. This was like the best compliment i had ever received. Even though considering this statement as a proof, that she is more comfortable with me than with him, is plain one-sided, i could not counter argue it in my head.

    That day, after office, when i sat thinking about the day’s timeline, i started realizing that maybe by front of being her best friend was not working. I realized that i was still desperately in love with her and sadly its not right. I knew inside that I might hurt myself and her with this. I had to do something but i had no clue on what to do. Again i murmured my prayer. He listened… Next day during the office, there came in an announcement that 3 people can opt for an internal transfer to Chennai. I still don’t know what possessed me but I immediately stood up much to her as well as others shock. The person jotted down my name and left telling me that If selected I will have to shift within a week. Once i sat down, she looked at me, i knew immediately that she was sad… really sad. She said just one word. Why? I made up a long story of how i was trapped in Kerala my whole life and how i wanted to go and see the outside world… Little did i tell her how much i loved Kerala and that Chennai was the last place i would want to be in… Let alone telling her that I was running away coz I was in love with her… That day, I lied to her. I believed it was for the greater good but its much later on that i realized that no lie can help a greater good.

    It was fast, but I took the interview and got through. I immediately started having second thoughts about the whole scenario. As if god read my mind, a couple of hours later, i got a call telling me that the post is no longer available but there is another opening, I was with her when this happened. I could see the silent pleading in her eyes telling me not to go… I accepted the offer. The interview happened and yet again i cleared it. I was going to Chennai and the next couple of days were to be the last days with her. That day and the next day was the time when she saw my eyes welled up. We hardly talked but held hands the whole time. My mind was becoming a warzone, i was close to becoming a zombie. No one knew why i was leaving, and i could not even speak about it to anyone.

    On the last day, i got permission to leave half hour early. I bade my colleagues a good bye and left the office. She followed me out. Outside the office building, i immediately came to realize that the pain i had when bidding goodnight to her was not even comparable to the goodbye i was bidding now. Tears poured endlessly, I wanted to hug her and i could make out that she too wanted to. We wrote each other a letter, attached a small photo with it and promised to hold on to that for life. A small token to ‘remember’ each other. Little did she know what that meant to me. And awkward hug later, and a very long lingering ‘hand-shake’ later i left for home… Never intending to see her again…

    Heart broken, with nothing but a head load of memories, I left for Chennai… A drastic and impulsive move to end this chapter of my life. But it did not end… that was just the start of what was really meant to happen…

(to be continued)

 

-Ninja-

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