AFTERLIFE…..

looong time… to busy to write… but finally life catches up with you… so here i am back in front of the computer to write the next episode of my life… and as always there is someone who is there to provide me the initial push and the memory.. well this time it was a call from a private number.. which by the way i thought was the CEO of GOOGLE calling me for some kind of business proposal.. but unfortunately and thankfully it was my old classmate Roshan.. no no no.. dont worry he is not the new CEO of GOOGLE.. he was calling me from Rome.. so the private number… thinking about him.. there are a lot of episodes we shared in our life.. there are a few which stands out exceptionally well… REALLY WELL.. heh heh heh….

it was when we were in out 12th grade.. we had a choice of 3 timings to go home after school.. at 3pm 4pm and 5pm.. being ‘US’ we would always opt for the 5pm bus.. even though this bus was meant for the company employees to go home, we never faced any issues.. mainly coz i think the employees could use some laughter and fun after their hard day at work.. and we were the ones to give them that…

so that fateful day (fateful coz i was destined to carry this memory for the rest of my life and this took away a few Kb of the memory i could have used to learn a new theory) we (me, aswin, aaron, roshan, graison, renu, divya etc etc) were sitting in the bus.. the bus was parked in front of the company medical center.. and it was slowly starting to get crowded with the company employees.. roshan was in the seat behind me narrating a film story.. well i should say that he is a darn good story teller.. with only a small flaw.. which being that even though the title of the stories are same the contents are never same… memory issues?? heh heh heh… he was telling the story of the film ‘THE OMEN’.. unfortunately the content was not that of the film.. so since it was a new ‘film’ we all were fully into it.. even the employees… so he was telling..

ROSHAN: so one day morning they all got up… they went into the room to look for her.. but suddenly…… they found out that she was missine…

OTHERS: oooooohhh……. uh-huh…

ROSHAN: so they knew something was wrong.. so they all went looking for her to the nearby sanitary….. and…

OTHERS: huh???? (confusion sets in…)..

ME: errrr.. rosha.. what did you say right now???

ROSHAN: what?? they went to the sanitary…

OTHERS: (chattering with each other.. more confusion)… errr….

ME: what do you mean they went to the sanitary???

ROSHAN: why are you disturbing.. let me complete the story.. cant you understand anything…

now that is a offending remark (asking if i can understand anything… ) hey wanna have a bout on quantum physics?? on string theory??? huh??

ME: hey i am serious.. i.. err… we . did not understand what you just said…

ROSHAN: what is wrong with you all??? and you especially??? are you not a christian?? and still you dont know???

ok.. this was serious!!! now i should have studied the bible too.. where was sanitary mentioned there??? what has bathroom equipments to do with the bible and god??? hmmm.. this could be interesting…

ME: da i am sorry.. but you know na that i dont go to the church.. i am really sorry.. i will start going. but can you clarify this just this once?? please??

looks of genuine despair on everyone’s face must have melted his heart…. so he decided to explain it us low-lives…

ROSHAN: da… i’ll say.. but shame on you.. you being a christian.. anyway… let me ask you..

holding our breath….

ROSHAN: where do you bury your people when they die?? huh??

OH…. MY…. GOD…. suffocation kicked in… everyone one was so shocked that no one could even laugh or breath… or blink.. or think….. and roshan still had no idea whatsoever why we all had that look on our face..

and when we started laughing even the driver came over to ask us what was going on.. coz he had never seen such a sponataneous and huge outburst anywhere.. he knew it had to be good… we were laughing for like the next 30 minutes… it was contagious…

and since friends are meant to be supportive we did remain quite and observed a silent prayer at all the hardware stores on the way home… every single day….

and ya.. thanks to him we dont have pretty much any doubt on how afterlife is gonna be like…

 

-Ninja-

Try Try Till you…..

its true… shocks never last.. it just neutralises itself by channelling it to the nearest ground!!! i figured out that this is not only applicable in electronics.. but even in real life…

they say that true courage lies in the person who gets up and tries again once he fails… and i am courageous… at least i wanted to prove that to everyone.. so i had to do the unthinkable.. so other go than to… well try try again… so it happened..

there are some mistakes which you have to correct before you do it.. others once you do it.. but frankly there are cases when you become so persistent to get it done in the same way as you previously failed (which btw is purely so dumb).. well anyway.. it so happened that i was to do the same thing.. after all my prestige was at stake.. so i decided to move front under the guidance of….. JINO…

a couple of weeks after the aftermath of the incident, when the rate of increase of teasing was getting reduced (something like they reached the saturation limit).. i went to jino for a detailed analysis of the mistake i made that day.. he was a true friend.. he agreed to do it for free.. and gave me a deadline date of 8 days (Sunday included)… on the 8th day he presented to me his findings…

problem 1) “it seems that you are too good for her (ok… here is a encouraging statement…).. i mean in computers not anything else (bah…. thanks a lot mate..). so you have to either bring her to your standard or you have to come down to her’s.. (come down to her standard, bring her to my standard?? what does he mean by standard??? not the class coz we are already in my class.. then what else?? its defined as A flag, banner, or ensign, especially the ensign of a chief of state, nation, or city…hmmm.. no way… confused!!!!)”

problem 2) “she is of a category of girls which does not fall for words (category?? in gals there are categories?? that means classifications… it means logic.. algorithms and problem solving… hmmm… maybe this was not such a bad idea after all..)… she is of the type that requires you to demonstrate how much you love her first… (WHAT?? demonstrate love?? how does a homo sapien demonstrate love.. the predecessor of homo sapien which is the ape or Pongo pygmaeus.. they show love by beating on there chest, stamping their feet and giving a mating call… and not to forget fighting for their territory)…. you must really make her feel how much you love her… (oh god this is definitely a bad idea… )”

problem 3) “you should spend more time with her… i mean you should make her see more of you.. where ever she looks she should see you.. in class, after it, in her dreams etc.. (in class… fine.. after class.. hmmm fine… in her dreams?? now where can i get the schematics for a dream inducer or at least a telepathic data streamer??)”

at this point i was totally lost.. not even when my parents brought me a book on quantum mechanics or i was reading the Einstein-Podolsky-Rosen theory’s application in teleportation was i so confused… very well… y bother to understand it when there is a direct solution to it… ask him for the solution… so i did just that.. he took another 4 days.. and finally after 27 days… he came up with the next plan… hi so called counter-counter-failed-original-master-plan… (no idea what the heck that means… as using counter twice would negate the initial negative approach of the statement.. hmmm still interesting usage…)

sol 1) “you have to get less marks than her in a computer exam and show to her that you are in the same standard as her.. (oh he meant marks by standard… how dumb.. no dictionary defines standard as.. marks..).. so how much marks did you get in the last two exams??? ( well i got a 25/25 and another 24.5/25… hmmm note to self: put semicolon at end of statements)… see so you have good marks.. since the marking is best 2 of 3 you don’t have any problem..( hey he did have a point!!! but i can get 2 100 percent though… oh. well sacrifice it… done).. good”

sol 2) “Feb 14 is coming up…(oh… that stupid valentine’s day… another market hype to get more sales).. so you should buy her a gift… (gift?? oh that’s easy.. i mean what type???) a real electrifying one.. which would really show how you feel about her… (oh.. hmmmm time to visit ‘memories’.. and i know what to buy her too..)”

sol 3) “to be close to her you must join the same tuition class. and then also call her in the evening asking for doubts.. (tuition?? thats fine.. but calling?? NO WAY DUDE!!!)… so you have to join hey physics and maths tuition class!!! (physics tuition class??? for what?? teaching?? OMG… maths?? hmm thats ok i guess…)

so first i had to deal with the third solution… i had to convince my parents that i needed physics tuition.. now how can i do that when we are quite exceptionally good in science subjects… hey but i am not someone who would let go so easily. i used the same tactic as the salesman who would sell a fridge to an Eskimo. i told them i needed to bring my answer level to the lower scale so i had to attend tuition… guess what it worked.. (well if you don’t include the question my mom asked about if she was in the same center”. maths was relatively easy…. so mission one is a success… and i should say that i did receive a lot of ‘encouragements’ from the existing tuition mates.

then came the 2nd solution.. i did buy the exact gift that jino wanted me to buy.. i got it packed and even took the liberty of throwing in a I LOVE YOU card with it.. (man.. i am definitely starting to understand humans).. so on FEB 14 i went and gave her the gift. and to my surprise Jino had prepared me a gift as well to go with mine.. it was a chart paper with the pic of a baby in it!!!! (call it delusional if you want but it did bring out a weird aura with it.. seemed to match that mating call i was talking about..).. so i went ahead and gave it to her…. IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE CLASS!!!.. she had no other options but to accept it.. (genius)… she first opened the chart paper… and i got proof that the blushing is a reality for others too.. (but seriously couldn’t understand y!!!).. one look from her at me gave me the telepathic warning to remove all kinds of weapons from her immediate surroundings.. next was the card.. (heart pounding… must be adrenaline).. one look and… wow it looked as if she was floating in the air with the card supporting her foot from beneath!!! (most others would take that she is disrespecting the card.. but me being positive (in terms of blood group also) and optimistic i took it as she was placing herself on top of it… so sweet…)… but the next look from her told me to initiate a red alert to my defensive systems.. at least she had the gift to open.. it would really give her the feeling i used to have as jino said.. she tore open the pack as a monkey would do to a paper book..(err… was that a bad metaphor to use here??? after all monkeys have relation to humans!!!) she took hold of the silver box.. and opened it.. (i was feeling faint…).. “AAAAAAAAAEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE…. my god… aaa….” and threw the box down.. (it was so dramatic.. hey i am never so dramatic.. maybe its a psychological phenomena occurring with gals..).. still i didn’t know that a shock-book could discharge that much current.. what could be wrong.. i used to have somewhat the same feeling.. but it used to emit from my brain and not from a charged capacitor.. well its not right to explain what else happened.. coz the next thing was jino banging his head on the wall and then dragging me out of there…

well after the through training from jino.. this time i was confident that i wont screw up.. it was the day of the exam and i was so very relaxed.. i took the answer paper and wrote..

#include
#include
void main()
{

cout<<”end”;
}

thats it… i sat there dreaming of the places would go with her.. the letters i would write to her.. the programs i would code for her.. the theories we both could sit together and discuss.. and after one hour i submitted the paper and left… around a week later the teacher came to give out the answer paper.. it was there… anna… 22/25, aswin…16/25… rakesh.. 20/25.. etc etc.. and finally nelvin .. half out of 25.. stand up there… (looks of disbelief from everyone in the class except jino who flashes a thumbs up (which by the way is the wrong gesture as it signifies the wishing of luck for a future incident.. a completed mission is to be represented by a victory sign.. sheesh.. humans…) soon she was all over me.. “you are having to much headweight (which is true for all humans)… you think you are some kind of extra ordinary human who can get marks simply ( am i not???)… you will suffer in the main exams.. you just wait.. shame on you.. “i dont know why but i feel so happy inside…).. and take off that stupid smile from your face… sit down there…. maneesha… 22/25… etc etc.. jobina… “stand up there… what is wrong with you?? what is with you?? only two have failed… and its such a shame.. (its working.. the plan is unfolding.. hey maybe she will arrange a compulsory combined study for us together… thanks a lot jino..).. shame on you… you could have at least scores half a mark.. jobina.. 0/25…”

WHAT???? comm’on this was not happening.. she could have at least written a pre-processor directive!! i tried my best…and it was a failure.. but the damage was already done.. the power of human observation is pretty good.. the class understood the attempt i was making.. and to my horror jino confirmed it… well here it goes again.. the rate of increase of……

friends!!!! whew… what are they for.. pesky human!!!!

 

-Ninja-

MOM’s The Word….

2 days over… i held myself.. trying to avoid everyone at school… home was where peace was (including pieces of food)…

upon returning home that day i found my mom at the dining table.. and some how i figured out that she was smiling from her eyes but was holding it from reaching her lips…(hey its a fact.. coz the perception of smiling in the eyes can be solely attributable to a configurational effect projecting from the mouth region.. its easy to figure that out)… she looked ‘sad’… she offered me my fav food.. (errr… frankly everything is my favourite.. so that was just a figure of speech)… and …..

MOM: come dear, sit down….. have something to eat…

ME: ( obeying it like a non-AI based robot obeying hard coded instruction)… yes… ‘mommy’… (time to over clock my brain activity… juice it up a bit. two options.. ADVICE or COMPLAINT… probability of advice is more by 27% )

MOM: there is something important i want to tell you…. (looking down…) about your future…

BEEEP BEEEP BEEEPP… ALARM ALARM… this is bad bad bad… what did i do… time to do some search.. scan memory bank for keywords ‘failure’, ‘trouble’, ‘fights’ and of course use similarly matched words to supplement the search… why did i procrastinate the memory indexing/ creating of meta data!!! now how am i going to complete searching if i have been into trouble…. hmmmm no time to search in the last 3 years period… welll lets see.. last week.. (i did not do anything wrong other than bang one of my friend with a wooden chair for drinking beer!!! but that was negotiated for na???)

oh wait a second… future??? i am 17 years old!!! future would mean +1 year (statistically Indian parents mean approx 1-2 years forward in time when they refer to term future)… GOD!!!!! no no no… please not what i think… i just hope she is not gonna give me a parent to son sex-education!!! that’s the last thing!!! by heavens i am a damn researcher (by mind)!!! she should know that i might have already done some research on it (heh heh heh)!!!! sheeesh… ejection seat?? no way… option 2.. don’t look at her… and of course talk your way out of it..

ME: (stuffing mouth full of whatever that was offered to me).. Mom… ish ttat (chomp chomp chew) beally rekuaired?? (gulp chomp..)

MOM: why can’t a mom advice a son about something he should do in the future???

ME: (gooooood god!!! its true.. primary estimate is true….. I’m so gonna be red all over!!!) Mommy.. (more fud in mouth).. I know what to do in my… err… ‘future’..

MOM: oh… so have you decided on what you will do in the future??

ME: (decided??? what the…?? why would anyone decide?? its pre-coded into any animals DNA!!! and we would be pertaining to our perfectly normal animal (note to self again: HUMANS ARE ANIMALS) behaviour)… what is there to decide in this… I’ll.. ahem ahem… take it as it comes…

MOM: huh??? what are you talking about??? (genuine confusion registered on her face)

ME: errr.. my .. future?!!!! (looking up at her for the first time).

MOM: so have you made any change in plans??? so far??

change in plans?? aha. she is not talking about that…. yahooooooooooooooooo…… I’m saved… thank you. thank you… (make note about which all churches deserve the candles.. even though me not a church go-er still not a non believer)… heh heh heh.. its just that stupid career oriented talk… heh heh heh… what the heck.. who cares.. (reduce overclock… system returning to normal…. disable the flashing Reds… )

ME: oh.. that future.. ( 1000 MW smile on my face).. that’s OK.. I’ve got it all figured.. don’t worry about that mommy… ( showing the triple-double-eyebrow raise routine)

MOM: any recent changes in it???

ME: naaaaa…. its set for the past 9 years… solid stuff.. as uncorrupted as titanium or space grade composite aluminium.

MOM: oh… but…. then can i suggest a small change in it??

ME: change?? (time to open the my national express highway connecting my two ears).. sure…go on..

MOM: How about becoming a priest??? In a church??

ME: uh huh!!! (express high way is working smoothly…What was she saying??)

MOM: or…… more precisely.. ahem.. a ‘MALE NUN’….

BEEEEEEEEPPP BEEEEEEEEPPP BEEEEEEPPPP…unauthorized entry detected… HALT… oh no… pile up in the national highway… CRITICAL DAMAGE!!!! no way.. she DID NOT just say that.. it was a coincidence.. ( i know the chance of saying that is 1/18000 * 1/18000.. conditional probability with number of available words in English language.. its 3.24 x 10 to the power negative 8.. how on earth did she come up with this coincidence!!!)

ME: (shivering… sweating… ).. w.. wh.. whaa.. whaaat????

MOM: ( bursting into the biggest laughter I’ve ever seen!!!)… Male NUN..

there.. there.. she said it again… that would increase the chances to 1.04976 x 10 to power negative 17.. no way… she knew it… but she looked so happy laughing.. and enjoying it… awwww…. so sweet.. soo.. ( WHAT THE HECK AM I THINKING… she is… torturing me… killing me…. time to take drastic actions)..

ME: WHO TOLD YOU??? WHO WHO WHO WHO???

MOM: HAAAAAAAA.. HA HA HA HA… HEEE HEEE HEEEEE..

execute emergency exit plan…
1)stop eating (but i couldn’t finish)
2)run up stairs (up up and away…)
3)get inside room…
4) bang door shut with all my power.. (no.. sound is not enough.. try again by altering the position of the window pane to achieve acoustical resonance)
5) SULK…
6) control hunger during dinner… (toughest part)
7) don’t talk to mom for 3 days, 14 hours, 33 min, 12 seconds and 54 micro seconds. (set timer in watch)
8) watch Chinese torture films to get inspiration to plot revenge on the traitor who did this to me!!!

ADVICE HUH?? WHAT WOULD YOU CALL THIS??? frankly i would have liked the other talk more!!! and the candles?? ya right!!! me and church!!!

life sucks!!! big time…. but hey.. who’s complaining!!!!

 

-Ninja-

A Proposal….

firstly, the contents of this story is totally fictitious and any resemblance to anyone other than me is totally coincidental.

It all started with me coming back to a co-ed school after a long break of 5 years in a boys school.. so for me, girls were aliens!!! no offence please!.. so being in a class of more than 30 girls was quite a feast for me!!! but among all of them.. there was just one.. her name was Jobina (name changed to avoid a trip to hell.. literally). so i don’t know y.. but you can call it something like love at first sight.. one day she came and sat on the teacher’s platform and there it was… everything was so clear.. i figured what i was living for.. i was in love.. she was destined to become mine!!! it was so Damn clear!!!

But being in a boys school has a lot of disadvantages.. one being not being able to talk to a girl.. especially if we are attracted to her.. and for Pete’s sake there is not way i am going to propose to her.. so i took refuge by telling this to my 2 greatest friends Geethanjali (name changed) and Jino (name NOT changed).. well about jino?? he was the self proclaimed ladies man!!! hmm… well someone who claimed to know girls more than a gyna would know… errr not literally though!! so he took over the ropes of my love life.. he told me to follow his commands and she would fall for me within no time!! hey LOVE IS BLIND.. and DUMB!! well i agreed!!!

So started the training.. well it started by him giving me various films (read romantic old age films) to watch. and also gave me dialogues which i am to study in order to fulfil my destiny!! ( frankly battling in a star wars film against the phantom would have been more easy).. but i did it.. i went through the entire routine and prepared myself using the ancient Chinese methods of concentration. while i was on it he prepared my battle plan.. the sleek way of implementing it… so it came..

It was a Tuesday.. the last hour was free.. so we all came out to play.. while the girls prepared for basketball and the boys for football.. i prepared for the greatest game of my life.. she was sitting at the stadium stairs… Jino gave me the final Dos and Don’ts and a last minute confidence speech. i was sweating… my heart was pounding and everything was a blur for me.. even with my new specs on!!! but there was no turning back.. so i went over and

ME- hey Jobina!!

JO: hi, whassup?

ME: I want to tell you something very important. something that has a lot of importance to me.

JO: oh… ok.. whats it?

ME: well… ummm…. errrr…. its… like….. (sweating like hell)…

JO: are you ok???

ME: taking in a deep breath… well its like this..

JO: ya

ME: you see.. its my heart.. It is divided into two.. One for the world and the other piece is for you… (frankly i knew that it was scientifically impossible.. as its divided into 2 atrias and 2 ventricles.. and i need all those chambers to survive and i CANNOT afford to give pieces of it to everyone!!!! but.. hey…. jino is controlling me here!!!)

JO: …………………………………….

ME: errr.. did you hear me???

JO: …………………………………………

ME: (waiting for a few secs)….. (tapping feet)… hmmm.. (at this point my perfectly logical brain figured out that maybe she was not understanding the high end English i was using!!!)….

JO: ………………… (looking straight at me)………..

ME: oki.. let me explain it to you… i meant that my heart is split into two pieces… one piece i’ve kept aside for you… and the other piece its….. oh forget about that piece… ( again it was perfect stupidity!! how can i forget about a organ which is hardwired into my medulla oblongata)

JO: …………………………. (looking confused and of course uninterested)………..

ME: (now i was practically sure that she was not my understanding English at all)… errr.. jobina… it just means that i love you very much.. i feel really different when i see you… (now that was making sense as physically is the brain releasing neurotrophins which by the way are chemicals that nourish nerves making a feeling of freshness and increase in heart beat rate)..

JO:………………………………………………….. (no reaction at all.. was she deaf???)…………..

ME: (this was starting to get really out of hand.. and i was losing patience)… ARE YOU DEAF OR WHAT??? I TOLD YOU THAT I LOVE YOU… DID YOU HEAR IT OR NOT???

JO: …….. (as if i woke her out of some dream).. oh… ok!!! ( turned to leave)..

ME: (scanning around for moral support from jino… and unfortunately finding only two of my classmates Aswathy and Manju sitting and watching the scene unfold… hey… when did they appear???)……… wait a sec.. hold on… that was a question.. not a statement.. you are supposed to answer that!!!!

JO: ……………… oh………………….

at this point my brain was in overdrive… calculating all permutations and combinations for the possible replies and the dialogue i was to give her back.. i had practically completed a C program in my head with the sufficient switch statements… ( even i had taken trouble to declare loop variables as a register type to increase the speed of execution…)…

what could it be?? ” I also love you a lot….” (probability 75.61%… I’m optimistic)…. ” I’ve seen you as my friend/brother …” (probability 16.22%)…. ” i already have a boy friend….” (probability 5.43%)…. ” i need to think….” ( probability 2.1%)…. “I want to ask my parents…” (probability 0.63999%) (ya seriously some gals are that dumb!!!)… and the default clause.. ie something else (probability 0.00001%)… hey had answers for everything… so why worry???

JO: ……… well.. (looking straight at me… )… I WANT TO BECOME A NUN!!!!!!!!…………

ME:……. [SYSTEM FAILURE]…… [Invalid operation encountered]…. ok… (where the heck is the eject lever when you need one????)..

Last few things i remember that day??? Aswathy and Manju laughing their a** off….. a New song having words Jobina, nun and my name being sung on bus…. realizing that becoming red all over is a physically possible feat!!!

 

-Ninja-